If social media platforms were historical characters…
Facebook = Emperor Mansa Musa I
Ruler of the medieval Mali empire, thought to be the richest man who ever lived.
At one point undertook a trip through Egypt, where he reportedly chucked out so much gold into the local economy that its value dropped across the country.
Instagram = Augustus (Octavian)
Emerged from a power struggle after the assassination of his adopted father, Julius Caesar.
Plotted his route to power meticulously, eventually becoming the first Emperor. A wunderkind of the Roman political scene, who went on to rule for 41 years, but had a few notable hiccups along the way – see: the Battle of the Teutoburg Forest.
Twitter = Mary I of England
Came to the throne in a succession battle, which resulted in the execution of the ‘nine days’ Queen’, Lady Jane Grey. During her reign, Mary had over 280 religious dissenters burned at the stake in the Marian persecutions. A short, action-packed reign of just five years.
YouTube = Agatha Christie
Is there anyone alive that hasn’t read an Agatha Christie?
Best-selling fiction writer of all time, having sold over two billion books, with an incredible output that includes 66 detective stories, 14 short story collections, and the longest running play on record (The Mousetrap). Christie is everywhere.
LinkedIn = Marco Polo
Italian merchant, explorer, and writer, very much remembered as a protagonist of commerce for his association with trade and the silk road. Many misconceptions about him, including that he imported pasta from China.
TikTok = William Pitt the Younger
Great Britain's youngest ever Prime Minister at 24.
Once ridiculed as a fresh-faced neophyte by the established media, who predicted a fleeting tenure, he defied expectations to serve for eighteen years and now regularly ranks highly in lists of prime ministers.
Pinterest = Plautilla Nelli
If there was a contemporary to Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Titian, and Caravaggio you’d have heard of them, right? Well, sadly not. Plautilla Nelli was written out of all Renaissance books, thanks to the chauvinism of male authors, and her role is only just being recognised today.
Snapchat = Wat Tyler
Tyler led the so-called ‘Peasants’ Revolt’ in 1381, marching right into the heart of London, where his crowd opened Westminster prison, stormed the Tower of London, and executed an archbishop. It got Tyler a meeting with the king, but during it he was stabbed by a Lord Mayor, and the revolt was brutally supressed soon after.
Threads = Cleopatra
Rose to power in part through the patronage of an established ruler, Julius Caesar, with whom she had a child (Caesarion). Played a central role in the power struggle for control of the Roman Empire, but then had a very famous downfall.
MySpace = Achilles
One of the original and best of the ‘historical’ warriors. With one major flaw, which led to his early demise (as had been foretold), at the arrow of another up-and-coming mythological figure (Paris).
Friends Reunited = King Arthur
More myth than historical figure.
There’s some evidence that a former Roman General (Lucius Artorius Castus), or another contemporary warrior (Ambrosius Aurelianus), were the real person behind the legend, but it’s very hard to prove whether Arthur ever existed, and his story has been much embellished since.
Google Plus = Marie Antoinette
Had a famous arrival in France and lived in luxury for some time in the Palace of Versailles. Yet after a few high-profile faux pas, much reckless spending, and finally a revolution, was jeered all the way to her final demise – largely by the same people who’d once cheered her.